Very close!!!

here's to me wishing you have a life
here's to me trying my best to be kind and nice
but actually wanting to scream for you to get a life
for you to be able to look beyond yourself and your troubles
and actually care for others, other than yourself

here's to me almost wanting to scream at you
almost wanting to end everything with you
here's to me trying trying my hardest to remember
why i even loved you
how i fought for you
how i spent all i can
mind and soul to have you'
here's to me trying to remember
the reason i fought for you against all odd
here's to me trying to remember
how i almost ruined my future because of you

here's to me beginning to hate your lifeless voice
the never ending complains how your life is so hard
and how i was never good enough for you
here's to me getting tired of hearing all your damn complains
all your damn demands before i will be fit enough to marry you

and now here's to me now getting very very close
to telling you to get out of my life
and free myself from the selfish you
and throw away all the sacrifices i made
cause i realized i have always been the only one
the only one who was made to change
the only one who never measures up
the only one who has to sacrifice
the only one who is always at fault
that even when you are at fault
and was found to be with adulterous
i was still the one who was suppose to understand
and not hurt you!!!
here's to me very very close to forgetting and loathing you!!!

My Betraying Heart

isnt it sad when the one who use to make your heart beat
no longer does
when the heart has found someone else
whose warmth it chooses to give

i've always thought love will forever last
will forever endure
but now, how can i trust,
when its my very heart
that has betrayed its very thing it believes in

Prince of Mind and Heart

why is my heart stronger than my brain
why is the the mind overpowered by the heart
why do we wish for happy endings
for fairy tales
and why do we always ask why
when we can just live recklessly like the others
and yet why isn't reckless living be true for me
cause i know i want more
i want to be the princess with a prince
i want a prince worthy of my love
and a prince who will take care of my heart
and give my mind some peace

sadness

sadness
sadness is all i feel
where did i go wrong?
a deep part of me knows
could i have really made all those mistakes to deserve this
could it have just been a bad stroke of luck
sometimes is it just physical beauty
that someone needs to survive in this world
does it really work as unfair as such
or is it just all in my mind
sometimes i want to run away
but i knew running away
will never correct anything in my head or in my life
i wanna hide but how
when the very thing that aches
comes from inside the heart

Love in Denial

i only know you for a few days
my head and my friends tell me to stay away from you
all my alarms should have been activated
and yet i find myself drawn to you
every moment i wait for you to come around
a word from you will always lift my heart from a doldrum
but is it for real? could it be?
could it be love that i'm feeling
or could it be that you are just filling in my need
but is filling someone's need, fulfilling the desires to be love?
so what is love? is it this that i'm feeling
 or is it really something far more complicated and deeper
i use to think i know what love is
i use to think i know who i am and what i want
but when you came along,
i just don't seem to know
and maybe i do
i'm just afraid of the pain that it will cause
if i acknowledge what i am feeling inside
so i might as well deny it forever

Complicated Love

Love,
why do you have to be so complicated
why do you have to break someone's heart
why does it have to be the most beautiful feeling felt
and yet it can cause a never ending pain and sadness
when it's unrequited.

premorbid psyc

love indeed is one psychosis
you made my heart skip a bit
 you make my eyes sparkle
with just a thought of you twenty years ago.

i watched dirty dancing and i could how swear it was how you make me feel.

dreams of being swept by you,
dreams of being in your arms and protected by you
dreams of feeling so special that the whole world seem o stop at the sight of you

i tell myself many things
 i tell myself that i dont feel the same after finding you again

i tell myself that it isnt you anymore,

youre n longer he man i fell in love wth
 and yet i find myself waiting
wanting for a sign of any love from you

Ayos sa Kaguluhan

I heard a line from a friend, he said, Minsan, may Ayos sa kaguluhan,
It made sense then, cause it was for my hair,a  tossled look sometimes look so beautiful,
it made sense even until now that I'm reflecting with what is happening in my life...
met a friend,
at the onset, he would have been who i thought would be someone i should stay away from
someone that if you have a daughter, you'll tell them to avoid
he rocked all the biases i have in my head,
but as i got to know him, by some stroke of luck,
he gave me a sense of stability
some sense that i know he will always be there,
a sense that when he wakes up, he'll be looking for me
when he is around, he will see me
that when i need him, he'll find a way to be there
and it makes me feel secure
someone whom i know just likes me for me
all that i am and all that i would be
funny how someone whom i thought i would fear
is someone who is now giving me that sense of safety
found a friend in him who rocked my world
Now the the words "May ayos sa Kaguluhan" has never more rung true...

blessed complications

tonight i sit still and yet my mind is racing
why do things have to be so complicated,
why cant things be easier,
then i realized, God Did it to protect us
to prevent us from making mistakes

giggly teenager!

happy happy since i received a reply from my young love feeling being so high up in cloud nine, this time like a giggly teenager. i was going to say that i was a giggly teenager all over agaim but i rememerberd i was not, i was one very uptight teenager.  that is actually te reason i lost my young love.
now im enjoying the feeling, not givingmit much thought, just letting my feelings and my emotions come forth. and its fun! now im a giggly adult!

Big pretender

ok as i sit, blogging instead of listening, with my mind getting dulled from boredom. desperately trying to hold on to my morning excitement. partly angry why i had to sit here anyways. ok so i know it was because of the people who abused their freedom, partky angry and resentful because that person was certainly not me, partly sighing and resigning to my fate, yes this might be what they call, ones learned helplessness...


what do they call me sitting here wasting my time?
discipline! for me, its called a waste of time cause my super ego is already more punitive than this, and hence i dont see the need fir me to be here! and the worst of it all, the one they want to discipline is not even here!

ok i can be childish cause this is my blog, i dont have to pretend to be more mature and try to rationalize that i can learn even from the repeat of the things i already know, and yes a part of me wants to be obedient and make the most of this hour and find the pearls in the very thing that bores me, but for the moment my mind is turning away, duller than an unsharpened pencil

for now, i must try harder to pretend that all these are interesting and totally worth the pressure i feel in my behind...

A heart in peace

i saw your name and then i saw your picture, two decades it has been...and i remembered how you use to make me feel. how you swept me off my feet. how you made my world feel like it was made of dreams. it filled my heart with joy, i felt alive and my heart beat pounding against my chest, i found myself in tears ... are you the one that got away? that even after twenty years you made my heart beat faster?

i went crazy trying to reach you and finally i found a way, as i wait for your response, i remembered how i lost you, the flood of pain came rushing in, twenty years ago, this young girl gave you a bear and i watched you from afar and saw you give it to another girl. a young girls pain can also not be equalled, just like how a young love can not be compared.

and now i know God's reason why you didnt make it into my present and now i can close this chapter in my life...

young love...

as i was struck by nostalgia after watching my amnesia girl, i remembered and know that a young love can be so powerful and pure. It is the time when you feel like everything seems beautiful and perfect. like the world stands still for your love. when the rain drops fell like jewels in the sky.

i then looked for the love i once had and seeing his name, his face on screen, filled my heart with immense emotions i couldnt contain. hence i started a blog.

a blog to tell the youth to wait, dont rush, dont settle for just anyone that comes along. wait for the love that will sweep you off your feet. a love so true that you will be filed with wonderful and beautiful memories, a feeling that can not even be erased even after decades of being apart.

i use to not believe in that kind of love, i use to think that they just happen in the books or the movies and yes i even almost did forget, because i lost that one love. though regrets are there, as my heart was filled with memories, i still thank God for letting me experience such love and thankful to have love and lost than never to have loved at all...